forgiveness, healing, redemption...and the pit

"Bless the LORD, O my soul,

and forget not all His benefits,

who forgives all your iniquity,

who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit,

who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

who satisfies you with good

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

Psalm 103:2-5 (ESV)

I've been in the pit. Deep in the pit. And, I've been out of the pit. And then back in the pit. And, out of the pit. Again. And again. And again. Sigh.

It seems to be an unending cycle – and, it has yet to let up.

The craziest thing, that I have yet to understand, is that on more than one occasion, I've found myself both in and out of the pit.

At the same time.

(Oh, how I wish you could hear my tone on that last sentence. Despite the anguish I continue to feel, carry and try to process, I'm happy to say that I can still laugh. Oh, how I love to laugh and joke about all of this.)

The one thing that keeps me going is that God has yet to let me down. Not even once. Not even for a single, solitary second.

Don't get me wrong. There are definite days when I feel like I can't possibly go on another single moment.

In fact, I was there last Sunday night. I surrendered. I gave up. I was done.

For some strange reason, God didn't believe me. And, wouldn't you know, the sun rose the next morning and I picked up my puffy-eyed-self and made it through another moment. Another day. Another round of phone calls and bad news and meetings and emails. And bluck. So much bluck. And heartache.

Situations that I want desperately to change and fix. But I can't. And it breaks my heart and makes me feel so helpless. I can't do a single, solitary thing to make all of this better. And that reality stinks.

But God can. And I know He will. At some point, there will be victory.

What seems like, feels like and looks like the end of the road will one day result in great breakthrough. Because my God is powerful. And just. And great. And full of love and mercy.

Despite my grief, despite my pain, despite my despair, and, despite my giving up – my God is still on the throne. He has not, and will not, give up. And I'm so very grateful for that a.m.a.z.i.n.g. fact.

And then there is the flip-side of all of the difficult junk I'm facing. There is healing and restoration and beautiful redemption that is taking place in my life and in my family. And it's SO good!!!

God blows my mind. On any given day, He allows me to experience the death of Winter, the new life of Spring, the joy of Summer and the change of Autumn.

Honestly, I don't know how He does it. But He does. He's beyond words and infinitely beautiful and perfect in His love and care for me.

"The LORD works righteousness

and justice for all who are oppressed.

The LORD is merciful and gracious,

slow to anger and abounding in love.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;

For he knows our frame;

he remembers we are dust."

Psalm 103:6,8,11,14 (ESV)

In the desert and through the storms, my God is faithful. And so very worthy of praise.

I won't lie. None of what I've been through these past two years (plus) makes sense.

Somewhere along the road, things should have started to improve. We should have seen some breakthrough. (OK, granted, we have. But as soon as one situation improves, something else blows up. We have yet to experience a day where we can relax and catch our breath.)

But, we will.

One day, we will.

Until then, I'm sure I'll have another desperate Sunday evening where I throw in the towel and hand God my resignation.

The good news? I already know what Monday morning will bring.

Because He's like that.

Faithful, true and unchanging.

Steadfast. And so very, very patient and kind.

What an AWESOME God we serve!!!

Sweet Friend, wherever you are and whatever season you are in, I pray that God will give you all that you need. Especially when you are ready to give up and give in.

God knows you. He knows your pain and your struggles. He loves you. He will never give up on you. Even when you give up on yourself.

He is the answer to all of your problems. He is the provision to all of your needs.

Trust in Him. Rest in His peace. Let His beautiful love fill you up.

And, most importantly, surrender to Him and all He has for you. His plans are good and holy and pure.

And, as always, KEEP LIVING A BLESSED LIFE!

With grace and peace,

Photo: Stumptown Coffee, Stark Street, breve cappuccino

giggles & smiles

"Then your light will shine like the dawn, 

and your wounds will quickly heal.

Your God will walk before you, 

and the glory of the Lord will 

protect you from behind."

Isaiah 58:8

The blessings and mercies continue to flow from Heaven. God is working amazingly beautiful healing within my family and it is truly a glorious miracle to behold. 

Not all miracles are instantaneous. It's human nature to crave the quick fix. The solution that causes us the least effort or pain.


When God chooses to bring healing and freedom quickly, it is indeed a time to rejoice. 

In my personal experience, however, I've found healing miracles that come slowly, over a long period of time, are even more profound. They bring us to a point of complete and utter desperation. 

We pray fervently for a breakthrough, while doing everything we possibly can in our power to bring about the much desired change. Which thankfully, eventually, brings us to the end of ourselves. 

It's not a fun place to be, admittedly, but it is the very best place to be.

When we've used up the last of our resources, the only place left to turn is to our Creator.

For months on end when asked how our youngest, Sara, was doing, we've used the same word. Over,  and over, and over, again. 

Stuck. 

Every day was a repeat of the day before. Sara was stuck in her pain. Stuck in her struggles. Stuck in her fears. Stuck in the games she was playing. 

Stuck in the muck. 

And as far as we could tell, she honestly did not mind one single bit. She didn't care about the life she was missing out on. No amount of reward or consequences were enough for her to desire to stop being stuck and begin to move forward.

It was frustrating. Exhausting. Wearing. And sad. Very, very, very sad.

Sometime after the new year, we suddenly found a new word. Healing.

I can't pinpoint what exactly changed in Sara's life or heart. But I do know that something big changed within my heart.

I stopped counting the days. I stopped my striving towards fixing Sara. I surrendered to the process of healing — in God's way. And in God's timing. Most importantly, I started loving without condition and without constraint.

The above photograph shows Sara making sand-angels. It brings tears to my eyes because it shows that healing and growth can and do happen in big and little ways. 

You see, we are a beach-lovin' family! Every time we've added a child to our family, we have taken a trip to the beach shortly after their birth or adoption to introduce them to one of our greatest loves. (OK, so babies obviously can't appreciate the beach, but it's symbolic to Geoff and myself. Grin.) 

If you happen to share our passion for sand and sea, you can understand our disappointment when we placed Sara on the sand as a toddler and she immediately *shrieked* in terror. Her sensory receptors were completely overloaded and she did NOT like the beach.

It took many, many visits before she was able to allow even a single grain of sand to touch her skin. It took months before she began to allow her feet to inch past the edge of the beach blanket. Finally, after about a year, Sara discovered the joy of digging and playing in the sand. It was truly a day of rejoicing for all of us.

This past month, we took the newest member of our family, Jeremiah, to not only share our love of the beach, but also help him break free from his former career as a guide dog for the blind.

Thankfully, Big Jer didn't have any of the sensory issues Sara had. He quickly found his "inner-pup" and went absolutely *CRAZY* digging, running and learning to play catch.

Side note: This interesting formatting is what happens when you copy and paste from Biblegateway.com and don't catch the background color until you try to preview your post. Sorry if it's bugging your eyes out. I know it doesn't look very pretty. I have to laugh, though, because the imperfectness of it matches my life all too perfectly! I've grown to appreciate flaws and scars. And, quite honestly, I would much rather spend the next hour lovin' on my sweet fam! Thanks for bearing with my messiness. It's great to be human, eh? :-)

Along the way, Sara found her "inner-pup" as well and had a blast digging and crawling around on all fours. (No kidding. The video footage of both of them is hilarious!)

This beach trip was as polar opposite to Sara's first trip to the beach as it was to the trip we took a few months ago. Sara was stuck in her muck and as such was absolutely miserable to be around. The rest of us had fabulous time grilling hot dogs and throwing around a football in the sunshine. Sara, however, preferred to sit on a blanket and work on making restitution for her poor behavior on the drive to the beach.

But as I said, we have a new word now. Healing. Movement forward. Progress. Stuck no longer. Being set free by God's love and amazing grace. 

And it is a beautiful thing to behold.

Instead of rude behavior behind my back, I am blessed to hear Sara say every ten or fifteen minutes, "I love you, Mama. I'm so glad you are my mommy!" Coupled with a big, sloppy wet kiss on my cheek and followed by a huge smile.

And we are giggling. A lot. Together. And it is so freeing and healing. 

Love does that. As does surrender. And trust. In a God that is bigger and greater and more wise than I could ever be.

Sara is still a work in process. But then again, I am too. 

This morning, after asking me sweetly if she could please massage my feet before she ate breakfast, Sara showered me the most yummy words this worn-out and weary Mama's heart could ever hear.

"I love you, Mama. I love that God chose me for you and you for me. I love your 'Caucasian-ness.' I also love that you love me. You are the greatest mommy that I could have found." Then she hopped up, handed me a tissue, and said, "Just in case you cry of happiness." (Her exact words. Grin.)

And I did.

And then I gave her a big, sloppy wet kiss on her cheek, told her how much I love her "Chinese-ness," and followed it with a huge smile.

God is good. All the time. 

When He brings healing quickly. And, especially when He brings it slowly. Because that is truly where the best things happen. During the long, hard, difficult and painful process of healing.

I am so incredibly grateful for His love and grace. For the gift of His Precious Son. And for giving us a new word. In His time and His way. 

Healing!!!

My little girl is no longer stuck. She is healing. And I am blessed.

My Sweet Friend, if you are waiting for healing for yourself, or for someone you love, please don't give up. Keep your eyes on Jesus and trust in His unconditional love and devotion for you. 

Surrender to His will and timing. He knows you intimately and His plans are perfect for your life. I promise you, one day stuck will be a word of the past and healing will come.

...followed by a huge dose of smiles and giggles...and hopefully a day spent thoroughly rejoicing in God's magnificent creation of sand and sea!

Keep pressing into the LORD, and KEEP LIVING A BLESSED LIFE!

With joy and great rejoicing,

a (really) good day

"For we are God’s masterpiece.

He has created us anew in Christ Jesus,

so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."

Ephesians 2:10 NLT

Back in November I shared about the struggles my youngest daughter is going through. Today was a good day. A really good day. God gave us a HUGE win.

Today I took Sara for her quarterly neurological evaluation. We do therapy with her every day at home to help her brain to heal. It was a rare day in that the two of us were able to go off alone while Geoff worked from home and supervised Chelsea & Liam's homeschool.

Our appointment went well. Sara is working hard and moving forward in her healing. I was able to learn new insights into her behaviors and struggles, as well as glean some new ideas on how to help her continue to heal and blossom into the little girl God created her to be. It's been a long, slow process. But little-by-little, day-by-day, we are seeing progress.

On the way home, I decided to surprise Sara with a special congratulatory lunch for all of her hard work. (And to stretch out our time alone together just a tad bit longer. It's amazing how much her behavior improves when she's 1:1 with Geoff or myself.)

After our drinks arrived, Sara looked me right in the eye and said, "Thank you for being my Mommy."

I hadn't realized how very much I needed to hear those six little words until that moment. Sara has been through so much in her short life. Just a few months ago, she decided to name the different "mommies" she has had while getting ready for bed. After she named me, she blithely asked, "Do you think I'll have a fifth mommy?"

Ouch. (On so many levels.)

Today, however, her words were sincere and so heartfelt. Her words brought a smile to my face and explosions of sheer joy in my heart.

We finished our lunch and then ran a few errands together. I heard many more "thank-yous" for the special time we were having together and again after we got back home. Aside from our lunch, we didn't do anything out of the ordinary, but given my prior batting average, it was one of the best days we've shared since August.

One of our stops was to the library. As soon as we got out of the car, Sara pulled up the hood of her sweatshirt. As I took her hand, she asked me if I could please pick her up. When I asked her why (she's not so tiny anymore!) she said she wanted to share her hood with me so I didn't get wet in the rain. (Smile.)

After picking out a nice stack of new books for Sara to read (she has a voracious appetite when it comes to the written word,) we headed back to the car. It was dark and the rain was pouring down even harder. As we hustled back to the car to get out of the rain, (the shared sweatshirt hood idea didn't work out so well) we passed another mother and daughter.

The little girl was at least a few years older than Sara and was using arm crutches to walk. It wasn't the crutches that caught my eye. It was how slow and difficult each and every step was for her. A quick glance back at her progress confirmed that she was only moving forward about an inch at a time. At best.

Meanwhile, the mom followed closely behind her, gently guiding her, ever-so-patiently. In the dark night with rain plastering both of them. I'm not sure that either one of them noticed the rain as their efforts required their calm, undivided attention.

A lump formed in my throat as I marvelled at their tenacity. And patience.

I felt both inspired and convicted. Sad to say, I'm honestly not sure if I would have the same patience that mom had. Even if it was daylight on a dry day.

I don't know their story or what led them up to that point. Regardless of the details, their every-day-life situation challenged me deeply.

My Sweet Sara, while not limited in her physical capabilities, is very much restricted in her daily life. I'm not able to do the "normal" activities with her that most moms of 6 year-olds can enjoy. Sara has a very thin threshold when it comes to sights, sounds and activity. Her senses quickly become overwhelmed and her stress level sky rockets. The trauma she has survived has left her hyper-alert. She needs very tight boundaries and parenting techniques specially geared towards children healing from RAD.

In the time that Sara has been a part of our family, we have worked in many different ways to help her heal and grow. We have experienced progress - but the process has been slow. Snail slow. You know, the kind of progress that even if you are staring at it with great attention, you still can't see any change or movement? That's where we've been. For quite some time now.

As I reflect back on the mom and daughter in the rain, my still-being-refined-flesh cries out to my loving Savior.

"Lord, please help me to be more patient. Help me to die to myself. I don't want to try to rush or push Sara. Sometimes I'm so tempted to just pick her up and move her to where I want her to be. I know I can't. But the impatience screams at my every day. Please forgive me and help me to learn from the example I saw tonight. I can't do it on my own. I know that. I've tried. Too often. But with You, I can do all things. Thank You for Your love and grace. And forgiveness. In Jesus' name, Amen."

The photo above is a coffee cup that Chelsea painted last month. (I love her creativity!) I'm so glad that I took a photo of her work while it was still in-process. Such a good reminder that God's not finished with me yet. Nor is He finished with Sara.

May God open our eyes to the work He is doing not only in ourselves, but in those around us. And may we always rely on His patience and grace when the progress seems impossible to see.

Keep pressing into Him and KEEP LIVING A BLESSED LIFE!

With grace,

got struggle?

"We give great honor to those who endure under suffering.

For instance, you know about Job,

a man of great endurance.

You can see how the Lord was kind to him at the end,

for the Lord is full of tenderness and mercy."

James 5:11

"Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials

you are going through, as if something strange

were happening to you.

Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you

partners with Christ in his suffering,

so that you will have the wonderful joy

of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world."

1 Peter 4:12-13

"God, for whom and through whom everything was made,

 chose to bring many children into glory.

And it was only right that he should make Jesus,

 through his suffering, a perfect leader, fit to bring them into their salvation."Hebrews 2:10

"And God will use this persecution to show his justice

 and to make you worthy of his Kingdom,

 for which you are suffering."

2 Thessalonians 1:5

"For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting

in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for him."

Philippians 1:29, NLT

I've come to discover that life is a journey filled with choices. At the very core, my choices are all about drawing close or pulling away.

Do I draw close to my Creator? Or pull away?

Do I seek to uncover my true self? Or do I try to cover up?

Do I reveal my true heart to others? Or do I run away and hide?

One choice leads to the beautiful fulfillment of God's amazing plans for my life.

To abide in Him and allow Him to reveal His glorious love for me.

To face my woundedness, weaknesses and sin and allow Him to heal, restore and transform me.

To enjoy relationships that allow the giftings and blessings He has implanted within me to grow and blossom.

And, to share God's goodness and grace with those that He has placed in my life.

The other choice leaves me alone.

Wanting.

Hurting.

Hopeless.

Self-medicating.

Suffering for the sake of suffering - not growth.

It's an absolutely miserable place to be.

And quite honestly, it's such a stinkin' waste of time.

A waste of my life.

It most certainly isn't what I was made for.

Some days the choice seems really simple.

But most days? Most days I have to work really hard to stop working so hard.

'Cause you see, abiding in Love is simple.

There is no real effort. It's just a choice. A life altering choice.

Running? Hiding? Avoiding? Those take effort. Great effort. And the results are disastrous.

Today I find myself facing a big, stinky, ugly mess. I feel overwhelmed and defeated.

The latter choice actually feels quite appealing - if I'm honest with myself.

Don't push through the struggle, just settle in and wallow in it.

I look around me and see those whom I love hurting and struggling.

We are in this together. At least we can be - if we choose.

Going through suffering and struggles is exhausting and excruciating.

But as Elisabeth Kubler Ross said, the most beautiful people we know are those who have gone through.

Pushed through.

Refused to give up.

While the wallowing may feel like the easier choice, I know where it ends up. And in truth, that's not where I want to end up.

If I quiet my raging heart for even just a split second, I can hear Love whispering words of life and hope to me.

Reminding me of all He has done in the past. And promising me that He has better things in life in store for me than this.

Today God has laid the same choice before each of us, my Friend.

Which path will you choose?

I have a feeling, that you, my Friend are one of those people. Beautiful beyond words.

You may not see it yet because Master Potter isn't done with either of us yet.

But rest assured, one day His work will be complete. And it will be more than worth the suffering.

Please don't give up.

Please don't give in.

I know how tempting it is to give into wallowing.

I also know how damaging and destructive it is. To us. And those we love.

I encourage you to make the choice today to KEEP LIVING A BLESSED LIFE!

In His love and grace,

perspective

"So where does wisdom come from,
and where does understanding live?
It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing,
even from the birds of the air.
 The places of destruction and death say,
'We have heard reports about it.'
 Only God understands the way to wisdom,
and he alone knows where it lives,
 because he looks to the farthest parts of the earth
and sees everything under the sky.
 When God gave power to the wind
and measured the water,
 when he made rules for the rain
and set a path for a thunderstorm to follow,
 then he looked at wisdom and decided its worth;
he set wisdom up and tested it.
 Then he said to humans,
'The fear of the Lord is wisdom;
to stay away from evil is understanding.' "

Job 28:20-28 (NCV)

Sometimes we can spend so much time looking that we forget to really see.

 

Our eyes are open, but our perspective is off.

 

Some people may look at these photographs and wonder why I took them. The answer for me is easy. I see beauty in the simple things. The textures and patterns and places where every day life happens.

 

These particular photos I took a year ago, July. Geoff and I hired our favorite babysitter (Brea, WE MISS YOU!!!) and snuck away for dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant in The Pearl.

Afterwards, we walked around Portland and snapped shots of whatever caught our attention. Geoff's the true photographer in the family, but I have fun messing around. (I admit to being a bit ADHD when I'm behind the lens!)

 

As I look at the pictures, I can't help but wonder what God's perspective is on my current life situations.

His Word is full of verses that tell us to look and see.

 

Two particular verses caught my eye tonight:

 

"The Lord looks down from heaven and sees every person."

Psalm 33:3 (NCV)

and

"God looked down from heaven on all people to see if
anyone was wise,  

if anyone was looking to God for help."

Psalm 53:2 (NCV)

I don't know about you, but the idea of the Creator of the Universe looking down on me brings a smile to my face.

The second part of that verse really hits home. Because, quite honestly, I could really use His help with the challenges I have before me.

 

Today and every day.

 

I don't want to miss out on all that God wants to show me and teach me.

Some days, my eyes are wide open and my spirit is sensitive to His gentle leading and love.

Most days, however, I get stuck seeing things through my flesh and I miss out on all that He wants me to see. And hear. And know.

Sometimes, we just have to lift our eyes up and really look around at all that is really going on.

And always, always I think we need to remember that we have a Creator who is readily available to offer us help. All we have to do is ask.

Today I pray that God will give both of us His perspective. To view our challenges, our lives and especially ourselves through His eyes.

And, the courage to ask Him for help when the things He shows us feel too big or too heavy to face on our own.

May you know, my Friend, how truly loved and valuable you are.

Keep pressing into Love and KEEP LIVING A BLESSED LIFE!

Looking up,

win or lose

Xia-Xia, LangFang, China, June 2006 (brings tears to my eyes)

Sara showing me the look she gives her sister & brother behind my back most days to push their love away. :-(

Sara working on getting her brain strong after acting out on a "fun" family outing.

Jumping jacks help kiddos move out of fight-or-flight mode.

Sara feeling a bit more grounded but still struggling during one of her difficult days.

"And may you have the power to understand,
as all God’s people should,
how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."
Ephesians 3:18 (NLT)

Welcome to my world. Looking at the above pictures may leave you scratching your head wondering why in the world I'm sharing such sad pictures. As well as what kind of parent I am. No worries! I wonder that myself. Every.Single.Day. (Grin.)

I've had several people ask me to share a bit more detail about the struggles my family has been working through this past year, plus. After much prayer and thought, I still believe that most of what we are going through needs to remain confidential.

However, as with most things, I know we aren't the only ones struggling. My intention in writing on a public blog is to hopefully encourage others by sharing what God is teaching me through this crazy-daisy life I'm livin'.

Life is hard and we're all in this battle of good vs. evil together. A word of warning: I most assuredly do not have all the answers. Nor have I figured out how to live a life fully pleasing to God. That is, of course, my heart's desire.

But I'm human. I struggle. I make mistakes. Sometimes I think I've figured something out, only to realize that I was reading my Bible upside-down!

Some days I'm clear-headed and my focus is where I want it to be - while other days I'm downright confused and overwhelmed. So please take what I share as what it is. One person's experience at this point in time. Please allow God to be your source of wisdom and guidance. He won't let you down or steer you wrong. I'll try not to, but as I said, I'm human. (Smile.)

You and I are fellow-sojourners on this amazing journey called life. Together we can offer each other support - and a whole lot of grace!

So, grab a cup of coffee and step into the "World of Amy" for a moment or two...I have a feeling you'll be more than relieved to step back into your own reality by the time you're done reading! (Chuckle.)

Here goes...

As a mom to two birth children and two adoptive children, God has given me a unique perspective. I have the joy of parenting children who have always known the security of love and acceptance. I also have the anguish of wanting to pour love and acceptance into children who have never known the security of love and acceptance. Holding both experiences in tandem, I'm learning, is beyond excruciating.

I spent my first 8 years of parenting taking for granted that love was something that was freely given and freely received. I couldn't fathom that anyone, especially a child, would consider love to be something to run from. Until I met RAD.

Reactive Attachment Disorder.

I'll spare you all of the gory details and cut to the chase. Children (and adults who have yet to experience healing), suffering from RAD are terrified of love. Their sole purpose in life is to protect themselves from love and do so by working tirelessly to control others and their environment. You see, for them, to give into love or allow others to be in control is equal to dying. Their goal is to survive at any cost.

Their behaviors do not make sense - at least not to untrained heart. You see, in reality, these individuals are AMAZING human beings - full of creativity, intelligence and deep beauty. And, of no fault of their own, experienced devastating loss or trauma before the tender age of three.

There's much more to the diagnosis and disorder than what I'm relaying here. But for the sake of keeping this l-o-n-g post from being even longer, this is 'RAD in a nutshell.' And quite honestly, after living with it and learning about it for 5 years, my brain is still tied up in a painful-pretzel-knot every day trying to figure it out.

Moving on...

My Sweet Sara has verbalized extreme trauma during her first 18 months while she was in China. I recognize that the average person does not (should not? cannot?) remember the first several years of their lives. But, for whatever reason, Sara does. Vividly. Painfully.

Shortly after we brought our baby girl home, we recognized that her special-needs went far beyond her physical heart, lip and palate. She needed special parenting, unique therapy and lots and lots and lots of prayer. And patience. And the one thing she was most afraid of - love.

Bringing Sara into our family has taught us so much. We spent three solid years helping her to heal and grow and settle into our family. The miracle of transformation we saw in Sara, and in ourselves, inspired us to adopt again. Through our own histories and experiences, God birthed within us a desire to help hurting kids heal.

For reasons God alone understands, He led us to another child who also experienced a traumatic start in his life.

The details of Sara and Luke's lives are for them alone to share. Suffice to say, they have experienced deep wounding and trauma. Unimaginable experiences that have scarred them both deeply - resulting in RAD - which affects every cell of their being and every aspect of their lives. Their thought processes, decision making and actions are all affected by what they did - and didn't - experience during the first few years of their lives.

For all of my fellow mamas out there - whether you are parenting children who grew in your womb or in your heart - when your child hurts, you hurt. You want to pull them close and shower them with love.

The only problem is that RAD doesn't allow us to do that. In fact, it's a defense mechanism that seeks to destroy love in any shape or form. "Devastating" doesn't even begin to describe what it's like to want to love someone who not only refuses to let you love them, but works tirelessly to make themselves unlovely.

For Sara, the past couple of years have brought her more pain. The details of her life thus far would break your heart. Watching her struggle, trapped in a world of solitude that she has carefully constructed is beyond painful.

Every day she wakes up with a plan to push us away from her. Every day I wake up with plan to pull her close and help her fragile, bleeding heart heal.

I would do anything, give anything to help heal my little girl's heart.

Out of 417 days, Love has won out on only 6 of those days. One could say, therefore, that my youngest has won 411 of those days. But, sadly, the reality is that when Love loses, we all lose.

My precious child has missed out on 411 days of peace, joy and love. And it breaks my heart.

You might be wondering what a child healing from RAD might say about such a sorrowful situation. Sadly, she's quite pleased with herself. I kid you not. Like I said, it doesn't make sense. Or maybe it does?

RAD makes these amazing children believe that they don't deserve anything good. Otherwise why would they have been abandoned by their birth parents? Why would God have allowed bad things to happen to them?

I don't have the answers to those questions. But I can guarantee you that I've done everything in my power to try to convince both of my wounded children of their value and my unconditional love for them. (Have I mentioned my pretzel-knotted-headache?)

The problem is that RAD doesn't allow reasoning. It wires the brain in a different way.

So far, my batting average (6:411) stinks. But you know what stinks even more? The fact that my precious kiddos aren't the only ones battling RAD.

When it comes to God's unconditional and abundant love for me, I'm afraid that more often than not, I have my own defense mechanisms and refuse to let Love in. I don't know why I do it. In fact, most days, I don't even recognize that I'm doing it. Kinda like my hurting kids.

When I see RAD come between me and my Heavenly Father, it gives me greater compassion and empathy for my two struggling children, and gives me the strength to try yet again tomorrow.

I've said it before - I'm not giving up. I'm not giving in. I refuse to let RAD - and the enemy of our souls - to win.

Because, despite all of the loss, trauma, grief and pain the enemy throws our way, we have a God who is far bigger and far more powerful. As a human, as a mom, there is only so much I can do.

But God.

He is love. He is life. He brings new life to seemingly hopeless situations. He is the light in our darkness.

He has gone before us and is preparing the way to freedom.

Our breakthrough didn't come today and it might not come tomorrow. But I believe that it will come. In God's time. In God's way.

Friend, I don't know what challenges you are facing today. Maybe some of what I've said is resonating in your heart. Maybe your struggles are even more intense than what we're dealing with here.

But I do know that if you are struggling and feeling like every day is a losing battle-  you are not alone.

Our situations may look nothing alike, but I do know that our core desire as humans is to know love, give love and be loved. We all struggle with that in one way or another.

Some days can be so very, very hard. We win some. We lose even more.

But that doesn't change God's never-ending love for us.

He loves us with a fierce devotion. Especially when we do our best to look and act unlovely.

Today, may we both take a chance to stop fighting, allow our defense mechanisms to drop and let Love in.

There is nothing my children can do to earn my love. There is nothing they can do to make me stop loving them. They've tried. Believe me. They have tried. And I still love them. Immensely.

There is nothing you or I can do to earn God's love. There is nothing we can do to stop Him from loving us. I've tried. Believe me. I have tried.

God is love. And "love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:8a, NIV)

Win or lose, I'm choosing to keep on loving and to KEEP LIVING A BLESSED LIFE!

With hope and LOVE,

thankful

"Rejoice always,

pray without ceasing,

give thanks in all circumstances;

for this is the will of God

in Christ Jesus for you."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (ESV)

There's a saying that I keep seeing around the Internet lately that I've been contemplating.

"What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"

It gets your attention doesn't it? It sure got the attention of my flesh. In the form of a flinch. Followed by a sigh. And intense panic. And then condemnation.

I can honestly admit that my initial thoughts, sadly, were entirely selfish. While I love camping for a full week every Summer, there are certain creature comforts that I would never want to live without. Those were the first "things" that came to mind.

A few seconds later, however, I tossed condemnation aside and got real. With myself and more importantly, with God.

And I remembered who He is. As well as who He's not.

While I can sometimes fall for the trap of expecting my children to say "Thank you," if I do something nice for them, I honestly prefer a heartfelt thanks that comes naturally and without obligation. Or conditions. You know - without strings attached.

True giving is like that. Simple. Pure. From the heart. Derived from love. Without expectations.

And so it is with my Heavenly Father. He delights in showering abundant gifts upon me. Regardless of whether I thank Him. Or if I even stop to notice that it was from His loving hand the gifts came from.

That doesn't mean, however, that my thankfulness doesn't warm His heart. It just means that He graciously bestows good blessings upon me because He loves me.

So, with condemnation out of the way, I felt the Holy Spirit bring His sweet and ever-so-gentle conviction. Ah, that's where the real teaching begins. When pride, selfishness and guilt are gone, the eyes (and ears) of our hearts are open.

With my flesh thankfully silenced, I was able to dig a little deeper. And you know what? I actually liked what I saw.

I wish I could say that my initial reaction was pleasing to my God - and to myself - but it wasn't. I'm human. And I'm still learning and growing. But I'm thankful that I have a patient Creator who knows me fully and is ever-so-gracious with me - and my annoying flesh. :-)

Which brings me back to the original question. What am I thankful for today? After all, it's the perfect day to consider such things, isn't it?

As I reflect over the past year, I can obviously thank God for the flowers of blessings. Beautiful, colorful, many of which have popped up in unexpected places. Extravagant love full of mercy and goodness.

But that's not all.

In the very same thought, the very same breath, I utter heartfelt thanks for the painful thorns and thistles I've encountered as well. Especially the ones embedded deep in my heart with wounds still fresh and bleeding.

As crazy as that sounds, I'm especially thankful for pain I've endured.

The tears fall silently down my face as I thank my Father for the thorns.

Without the thorns, the beauty of the flowers grow pale.

Without the sadness, the joy falls flat.

Without loss, that which we still hold loses it's value.

My heart still physically aches on a daily basis because of the burdens I carry of loss, grief, trauma, betrayal and pain. However, it's those very things that tell me my heart is still soft, beating and alive.

I refuse to give up.

I refuse to give in.

One day my hope will be fulfilled.

And there will be a glorious resurrection and unbelievable redemption.

We will experience new life through this season of loss.

Our hearts are being refined. Our joy is being purified.

It's a painful, painful process. But it is going to be worth it all. I have no doubt.

And so, today, I thank my Daddy first and foremost for who He is - awesome, faithful, generous and kind. Good to the core.

And I thank Him for my best friend and husband, Geoff.

I thank Him for my firstborn daughter, Chelsea.

I thank Him for my firstborn son, Liam.

I thank Him for my youngest daughter, born in my heart, half-a-world-away, Sara.

And, I thank Him for my Ethiopian son, Luke, who taught me how to embrace the thorns and thistles.

As my Savior taught me, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13 KJV)

As I come full circle in my thinking, I can't help but laugh at my weak flesh. It's forever bound to this temporary place I call home. Thankfully, I'll get to leave it behind, along with all of my other earthly possessions.

What I'm most thankful for today is Love.

And all that He is.

And all that He has given me.

And those things, my Friend, are eternal.

And so, while loss is a part of my life today, I can be wholeheartedly thankful for it, because one day it will all be made right.

And the thorns and thistles will be transformed.

And my wounds will stop bleeding.

And my heart will be made whole.

And so will yours.

I am also thankful today for you, my Precious Friend.

And, because of that, I pass on the gift of a question that brought me bitter tears and a heart refined.

What are you thanking God for today?

Don't be afraid of what your flesh reveals.

Just make sure you don't stop there.

True growth comes in being honest with yourself and your Creator.

Push past the junk and shove aside the trap of condemnation.

The Maker of this universe loves you.

He knows you fully. And He loves you. All of you.

Keep pressing into LOVE and KEEP LIVING A BLESSED LIFE!

Thankful beyond words,

P.S. I'm also thankful for the Guide Dog pup, Jeremiah, we helped raise this year. a.k.a. "Big Jer" or "Clifford the Big Red Dog!" Oh, how we miss him...

PHOTO CREDITS:
Geoffrey D. Ivey - Flowers & Thorns, David Hill Winery;Liam, Rockaway Beach, OR;Jeremiah, Portland, OR
CLI  - Bro & Dad, Rockaway Beach, OR
Amy J. Ivey - Geoff, Shimanek Bridge; Chelsea, Hannah Bridge; Sara, Larwood Bridge